American Idol: Rules to Live By

Here are some rules to live by if you're producing a season of American Idol.

1. Pick two people who can sing on tune (you'll need them for the Final 2). Surround them with people who cannot sing on tune to save their lives. This will give the judges and online community people to bash, thus creating controversy and an all-around good time for all (except the people being bashed).

2. Make sure the people who cannot sing on tune are a) characters with quirky personalities, b) exceptionally good looking, or c) exceptionally strange looking.

3. The more pills Paula pops, the more likely she is to a) slur her words, b) kiss Simon, and/or c) say something even more idiotic than the idiotic things she says when she's sober. All of which are great for publicity, which in turn is great for ratings. Therefore, Rule #3 of producing an American Idol show is to keep Paula well supplied.

4. If one of your pill-popping sleazebag judges personally mentors a contestant (in exchange for sex), picks out their clothes, picks out their songs, and generally gives them an enormously unfair advantage at gaining fame and/or a contract (in exchange for sex), both of which could potentially make them large amounts of cash, ignore and/or deny it. The important thing is not that the contest is fair (See Rule #1). The important thing is the ratings, and pill-popping sleazebag judges make for great ratings. (See Rule #3.)

Season 6 of American Idol starts up on January 16th, 2007.